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MIND DIVER word count for 7/17/00 (don't ask about the other days, please): a measly 550 words. It'll get better. Promise.

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BIG BROTHER - I would not vote either William or Jordan out of the house. Heck, they're the two most interesting people. My pick for banishment? How about chain-smoking, weepy Karen, for starters. Oh, and boring Josh and Curtis can leave, too. For starters.

July, 2000

7/18/00

You know those nifty little programs people are always emailing you without your permission? The ones you're cautioned not to open because they might contain a virus? Yeah, those. Well, normally I NEVER open anything people send me (only picture files, which NAV scans before they're downloaded. I'm very protective of my 'puter, y'see). Especially "executable" files. Ugh. Well, when you're at work you share a network -- and you have no control over the the stuff fellow employees receive from the outside world. And, of course, being the curious creatures they are, your co-workers MUST open every weird file emailed to them. Oh, they'll tell you -- hey, this file has to be okay because it came from my Aunt Henrietta in Lovelady, Texas. Oh of course Aunt Henrietta wouldn't knowingly send her beloved niece or nephew an infected file. But. Who sent the file to Aunt Henrietta? And who sent it to the person who sent it to Aunt Henrietta? And who sent it to the person who sent it to the person who sent it to Aunt Henrietta? Whew. You are a smart person, you get the idea. Okay, I'll stop digressing. Just PUL-eeze don't open strange files. And don't send 'em to ME, either. Thank you.

Anyway. Someone downloaded a file called "Brain Works" (I scanned the sucker before I installed it on my work 'puter), in which one answers some questions in order to determine which part of the brain is the dominant one. I took the test out of curiosity. Here are the results (with comments):

"Anne, you show a moderate right-hemisphere dominance with a strong preference for auditory learning, a certain formula for frustration. (That's funny because I have better retention when I'm READING something. Now I'm really frustrated.)

"Your right hemisphere is intuitive, perceptive, and somewhat random and chaotic. (Gee, and it was starting to sound sooo good. But random and chaotic can be good, right...?). Nevertheless, your auditory style of learning subjects you to processing information sequentially and along a single dimension. Your hemispheric tendencies aside, you attempt to be reflective and set a rhythm to how you take in material. (But how can I set a "rhythm" when I have a tendency to to process "information sequentially and along a single dimension"? That sounds kinda anal to me. Anal people aren't supposed to have rhythm. Right? Now I'm REALLY frustrated.)

"The difficulty is that you do not tend to have it within you to readily impose organization. (But I thought I was supposed to be anal. See "processing information sequentially and along a single dimension.") You're not totally chaotic, (thank Ghod for small favors) but organization planning and structure do not come naturally to you. ('kay, I fess up. I'm an impatient person, okay? And I'm frustrated.)

"Words come easily to your lips (duh, like, I'm a writer, okay?), sometimes surprisingly to you. (Gee, did I really say something witty. Well, Ghod...) However, you are more emotional than logical, (the insults again. Dammit!!), and attend more to the big picture than the details, (But I like details. "Big picture" is boring. Bah! I'm soooo frustrated) with the net result that others may not "get the drift" of what you are saying. (Okay. That's happened. Are you happy now, you stupid-stupid program? I'm soooo damn frustrated).

"You tend to be quick and changeable in nature, and the discomfort you experience because of the disparity between your hemispheric dominance and your sensory processing can get out of hand. (Okay, so I appear slightly schizophrenic with a multiple-personality disorder. According to this stupid-stupid program. F**k that. I'm. Just. So. DAMN. Frustrated.) You need to find ways to facilitate your visual processing and imaging as one aspect of altering this frustration. (No, I shall remain ever-frustrated. Dammit. Because according to you, I'm a chaotic, illogical, visual-auditory IDIOT! And I'm still frustrated.)

"You do possess enough left hemisphere operability to help organize your experiences and learning processes. (So I'm not a TOTAL loss. There's hope for me yet! Still frustrated...) The danger that you face is that your creativity and low-key goal orientation will lead you to underachieve. (Oh, don't give me the "good" news all at once. Sheesh! Frustrated!) What is required (oh do tell!) is a more valid representation to yourself of what lies ahead. Also, you need to find a way to vary the intensity of your thinking and learning. (But I'm a chaotic thinker, how'm I gonna do that? Frustration persists.) You also need to be wary of questioning yourself too much with regards to your perceptions and the perspective that you have on situations. (Yeah, and you can add "paranoid" to the list, too. Oh...and I'm STILL frustrated.)

See what happens when you open crap up? So I'll just take my unorganized, chaotic, illogical right-dominated brain and sit in a corner for a while.

People put some pretty quirky shit in their wills. Take Gunther IV,  the German shepherd. This doggie is worth bucks. His human, a German countess, left her precious pooch nearly $200 million dollars (Yeah, that's 200 million. Dollars) upon her death in 1992. Of course, we know that he can't spend the money. Hell, he doesn't even know that he has money. He doesn't even know what money is. He's a dog. As long as he has plenty of food and a toilet to drink out of, he's a happy doggie, right? Well, his "caretakers" have been house-hunting. And they, of course, know how to spend Gunther's money. Oh yes. Quite.

The caretakers have decided that Miami, Florida would be a perfect place for Gunther to live. According to them, Gunther "loves the city." Oh really. Did they get a "pet psychic" to tell them of Gunther's heart's desire to live in Miami? Yeah, right. Methinks the caretakers wanted to live in Miami. In a mansion. So. The first place the caretakers (and Gunther, of course) bid on was Sylvester Stallone's manse. For whatever reason, the deal didn't go through. Eventually "they" bought Madonna's Miami mansion for $7.5 million. I guess he's a happy doggie now. He's living in his "favorite" city. Yeah right.

You know, I wonder. What happens to the money when Gunther dies? I mean, he's probably got fifteen years, tops, right? Has he decided where the money's going to go when he joins his Countess in the big fluffy clouds? Oh...gee...would he have "willed" the lucre to his...caretakers? I guess that would be the right thing to do. I'm sure it's been real hard on them, caring for such a choosy pooch. Such responsibility, having to cater to the dog's every desire and whim. What a hard life. Give me a break. I'll bet the Countess made sure that when poochie joins her in the Great Above, the money's going to some animal charity. I bet.

Know what they're gonna do? I'll wager the caretakers've got a lookalike puppy hidden away. When Gunthie goes to his final reward, the caretakers'll secretly dispose of the body then substitute the younger dog for Gunther (I guess that would make him "Gunther V." Heh). Yep, Gunther'll go down in the Guinness Book of Records as the oldest living dog. Yeah right.

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